Chapter 10

Chapter 10: The Desert Begins

Sinopolis was a brightly colored and beautiful town, at least when it was seen from a distance. as soon as the heroes + Hetfeild got within decent seeing distance dubstep washed over them like hot water in the face. and when you've just gone through a scorpion filled desert the last thing you want is more hot things to interact with your general space. anyways the bright colors were just illusions, the entire city looked like it was a Modern Warfare 2 map complete with bombed out banks, skyscrapers and homes. the only things that remained untainted by the raging dubstep "music" (that was coming from something that Afro assured would die as horrible a death as the one Dave Grohl would have faced if he was alive right now at this very second (though Dave Grohl was dead, so dead in fact he was dead-dead.)) was the Police Station, two Casinos and one mega-deca-ultra mansion that was at least 500 acres wide suspended by heavy cables attached the two casinos on the edges of the town.

"Hey guys just wait a moment im going to stop in at the police station and see how my old friend Chief "The Chief" McChieferson is doing." James Hetfeild said, and before anyone could say anything about starving to death he pulled the Dethcycle over (which was currently on lease from Nathan Explosion from the band Dethklok) James dismounted, and walked strait into the Police station.

"Hey Afro can i eat your hair, it looks like cotton candy so it must taste like it right?" Orange complained, he was still hungry from the boot which had given him a imprint of the soul from inside his stomach.

"No if anyone eating my hair its me!!!" Afro bellowed territoriality but before he could take a bite Chief "The Chief" McChieferson and James walked out of the building.

"Huh whats up?" Orange asked, who was still eyeing Afro's hair.

"We cant talk here sonny" Chief "The Chief" McChieferson said in a quiet voice, "James, get me somewhere we can talk"

"Ya sure anything for you, i mean you saved me that one time from letting Lars release' Re-Re-Load: St. Invisible Kid Edition'" James ignited the Dethcycle and took off back into the desert, where it was safe to speak. Afro and Orange looked back at the town with tears in their eyes, all their potential meals were leaving them.

Reading their minds Ghosty Ghost then said "Well theirs always cannibalism..." which sent Orange and Afro into a biting dervish. while that was going on, he decided it was for the best to listen in on what the two plot characters were talking about.

"James," Chief "The Chief" McChieferson said "The're overrunning me i can't do my job anymore there's just too much crime between the two crime bosses and their leader. "At this point i've lost all my best men, i need someone to hit em right where it hurts. we need to take out the two crime bosses in the casino towers and then take out whoever is leading them, whoever it is. we even had our best, a double secret sleeper agent named Dumbledoor, try and find out but he double crossed us. who could have seen that coming?" Chief "The Chief" McChieferson sighed "at this point i can only assume everyone inside the Police Station other then me has been bought out or is a Mob plant."

"Why did you hire them if you could tell they were mob plants?" Ghosty quizzified

"DAMN IT I'M A COP NOT A DENTIST!!!" Chief "The Chief" McChieferson Yelled, "I dont get these luxuries of choosing who gets to join and who doesn't, i need all the able bodied manly men because the life expectancy of a good cop is twenty seconds, didn't you see MW2 gangs camping our front door!

"Well in that case you need people who are off the record and pay books, like these guys" James said pointing a thumb at Ghosty, Orange and Afro."Trust me Afro was one of the best i ever trained back at Metal Prophet High." He looked back to see how Orange and Afro were doing. Orange had one of Afro's arms in his mouth and Afro was munching on one of Orange's ears.

"See Afro knows his arm will grow back, but you only have two ears. Real sacrifices like that are the ones Afro and his crew is willing to make." James said proudly

Chief "The Chief" McChieferson simply gawked at the bloody sight. "ya... umm your hired and stuff, id give you badges but you'd get shot on sight."

"Good, well then its settled. Afro and his crew will go do all the work and you can follow me and Kirk on tour for our new San Ira album and we can talk about your dreams of being a space cop in the future. Bye guys!" James yelled as he detached the other sections of the bike and he and the Chief flew off into the sun.

This gave Orange Ghosty Ghost and Afro to look at their surroundings.

"FUCKING FUCK WE'RE IN THE FUCKING FUCK DESERT AGAIN WE HAVE TO WALK BACK ALL OVER AGAIN" Afro yelled as scorpions began to attack them.

The two casinos were named Wacky Dave’s Discount Casino Warehouse and Money Vortex, though neither had any actual customers, and instead were populated purely by mercenaries. Luckily these mercenaries all had gambling addictions, so the casinos stayed in business. They made no money however, since all of their money came from the mercenaries, and all of their expenses went into paying said mercenaries. They would try to attract customers, but if they spent less money on defense, the other casino would invade them.

The casinos (which were on opposite sides of Vice Street (which had a convenient name)) were run by rival crime families, the Duckettos and Nives, who had been at war for centuries, ever since Vaingo Ducketto kicked Lemon Nives in the shins. Since the families had no income from the casinos, both were subsidized by the mysterious rich person who owned the deca-mega mansion that floated above the street, held up by massive diamond support beams. Why the mysterious man did this was a mystery, and both sides were not aware that the other side was getting payed off.

Ghosty Ghost did not care about any of the above, and Afro was destroying street signs while Orange was in the bombed out library reading up on the town history, though he didn’t know how to read, so he didn’t know any of that either. Regardless, they had a “job” which was going to “pay” them in some way, though they never got paid, so the concept of both terms was unknown. But they did know that since the whole city was destroyed except for the two casinos, that they probably had to attack the casinos, which made Devil Patrick (who was a socialist) quite happy.

“So we should, you know, like, do something, for a…reason” Orange oranged.

“Okay initiate plan alpha, which is our only plan” Ghosty Ghost planned “Afro will kill people, I will sit back and use some new power at somepoint, Orange will flip a coin and either hide and eat poptarts or kill people based on the result. The random wacky guest character will die or never be mentioned again” Everyone looked at James Hetfield, who was busy shouting “GOOOOAHHHHHHH”

They were about to burst into Money Vortex when Afro had an idea.
“What if we just got the two casinos to declare war on each other? Then they’d do most of the killing for us, and I could focus on important things, like not starving to death.”

“Yeah, that sounds like a great idea.” They could tell Ghosty Ghost thought it was decent because he was 3% less sarcastic than usual. “Orange, go do it.”

“What? Why do I have to-“
“Because me and Afro have to have our weekly being a ghost competition. He’s lost every one so far, but hope springs eternal from idiocy.”

“Fine…” Orange skulked off over to Wacky Dave’s Discount Casino Warehouse, unsure of how to approach the coming mission. He walked in the front door, and was surrounded by rusty, rundown slot machines with scruffy bearded, pistol packing desperados sitting in front of each one.

“Yo, are you guys bored? You want to maybe invade Money Vortex?” Orange tried the direct approach first, and was met with grunts and scowls, except for one man, a pale, suited man up on the balcony who appeared so excited that he took the steps 5 at a time, tripped, broke his leg, stumbled up, and hobbled over to Orange.

“You’re the first non-armed customer we’ve had in years! Wait here while I get Wacky Dave Ducketto himself!” 5 minutes of awkward silence followed as Orange watched the man slowly stumble away, grimacing on each step of the tall staircase. Then a geriatric dude came out, balding with a face full of scars and carrying a spike-tipped cane.

“What doth summon thee to yon warehouse, my child?” he addressed Orange. “The prophets bespoke of one who would enter and thusly end the cruel drought of business, but they did not announce that they would look as strangely as thine.”

“Um, are you Wacky Dave…” asked Orange.

“Let the scripture be quoted! Dave 3:47, “And Dave shall own the money emporium, and he shall hence be known as Wacky Dave, to drive thy fear betwixt the hearts of his friends and enemies alike!””

“Okay…does the scripture say anything about attacking Money Vortex?”

“Great Patrick’s Ghost! It is spoken thusly, Dave 8:29, “And a prophet shall appear to thee, beseeching war with thy greatest rival. Heed him, and it is the war of the end times.””

“So you’ll do it?”
“And bring yon apocalypse on my fair city? Never in a thousand sparrows’ lifetimes! I would sooner die!”
“Okay,” said a voice from behind, as the broken leg man stabbed Wacky Dave through the heart (and was to blame) with a machete.

“I will lead my people on your crusade,” said Joe (his real name). “This city has gotten boring…it needs an apocalypse to shake it up.”

“As long as you never talk like that guy again.”

And thusly hundreds of mercenaries stormed Money Vortex, ensuing a grand melee.

Meanwhile, having lost the weekly match, Afro began his own mission: the search for a restaurant. Preferrably one that didn’t require money.

Although as most people would know once they reached the age: "adult", there was no such thing as free. but since the part of brain that dealt with common sense and probable reasoning Afro used to have used to have before the great banjo massacare of 666 was no longer there due to banjo's he still thought anything was possible. especially when it came down to "free stuff". So the side quest began to find the hidden secret free store with Ghosty Ghost while an angry pack of fast-moving riot bandits were doing something he didn't care about in the middle of the road. but before the side quest could start a large group of religious psychos came out of no where and surrounded Afro and Ghosty. the crowd carried two large throne like chairs one seating a wacky crazy guy and the other one seated Orange, the always faithful companion.

"Behold me wrath upon me like snakes filled with scissors, Edward's hand hath brought us upon the Demon who said book said about." Said the wacky guy.

"Hi Orange!" Afro said, waving with his guitar rather then just his hand because Orange had the high ground.

"You-eth know-eth this-eth Demon-eth" Dave Wacked "Great Savior who has been spoken of from times of old, remember not not Dave 4:156 'The demon will come dressed in black with an axe held in one hand waving in a menacing fashion, but not too menacing as to incite terror but more like in a 'back off' mannerism'"

"HOW COULD YOU BETRAY ME YOU WERE THE CHOSEN ONE AFRO!!" Orange yelled.

"No no no no, you were the chosen on ehe lies the prophetic demon cast from shadows grace and mourned by crows who feast upon the souls of death's death." Wacky Dave corrected

"HOW COULD YOU BETRAY ME CHOSEN ONE YOU WERE MY FRIEND!!" Afro yelled back up.

"like really though, you were never my friend. you killed my home and my family..." Orange proclame-ed "I mean, Ghosty has been trying to exact his revenge for over 200 pages now too, so he's not really your friend either"

"You're not my friend?" Afro asked Ghosty

"Yes" Ghosty Ghost not lied

"And so it was spoketh in the Haiku Dave 7:30 'He was not his friend, Because he was killed by him, Oh god, Meteor!'"

"OH GOD METEOR" someone in the crowd yelled.

A giant meteor plowed its way into Wacky Dave’s Discount Casino Warehouse blowing it to smithereens, the indestrutableownium cable holding up the mega mansion remained in tact. it held the building even though it was now only supported by one support.

"so it was written so it was done." Dave mourned.

Wacky Dave then died, because he had a machete in his heart. He collapsed onto the ground, because he was dead, and then died even more on the ground. His body then decomposed in seconds because he was dead and was picked apart by vultures, proving he was dead because vultures only eat dead things.

“NOOOOO” Orange cried, because Wacky Dave was the best friend he ever had, mostly because his other friends hated him/were trying to kill him/betrayed him and had multiple personalities/were not pop tarts. “You’ll pay for killing Wacky Dave AFROOOOO”

“Ummm, pretty sure that other guy standing right next to you killed him…he killed him right in front of you while you were watching…” Ghosty Ghost pointed out.

“How would you know? You don’t know me, you don’t know nothin’!” Orange retorted.

“I have Ghost powers, so I saw what happened, since I have casino clairvoyance.”

“It sounds like you just made that up”

“It sounds like YOU just made that up!” Ghosty Ghost expertly retorted, destroying his argument forever.

“You’ll both pay for what you did to my friend!” Orange repeated, though he never said that before.

“You can’t kill me, I’m a Ghost, so just kill Afro”

“That seems fair, more killin’ for me anyways!” Afro joined the conversation, since he was busy observing a butterfly during that whole exchange, only being prompted when his name was mentioned.

“Now we must fight!” Orange Ice Man’ed

Orange shot a purple pop tart across the stern of the street and directly at Ghosty Ghost, but he was a ghost, so it went straight at Afro instead. He expertly blocked it until suddenly…
…dot dot dot, etc.

they realized that they could just climb the Indestructibleownium cable, as it luckily wasn’t an Untouchableindestructibleownium cable.

“So yeah, let’s do that, etc.” said Ghosty Ghost. “Because the mansion is cool and stuff, and we want to get in there for some reason.”

“I DON’T BELIEVE IN MANSION!” yelled Afro. “ONWARDS!”
And he ran into the other casino and killed everyone.

“Right, now that that’s done, let’s go.”

So they climbed the long, indestructible cable for what felt like minutes and was actually minutes. Finally, they arrived at the top and the door of the mansion stood before them, a giant white monolith. They opened it, and stepped inside, to find themselves…
“In a desert? WTF?” peculiaried Orange.

They were in fact, standing in a vast, orange desert, with sand stretching out in every direction farther than the eye could see. Ahead in the distance, they could see two ramshackle cities glimmering in the heat, with a tall steel wall towering between them. They collectivized to go the leftmost one, as it looked cooler both literally and figuratively. Just then, a giant skysnake swooped out of the air and tried to engulf Orange. Luckily, he was able to duck and distract the snake by stuffing a Grape Cream Enchilada flavored Poptart in its mouth. It flew off, dripping sand everywhere.

“That was close,” said Orange. “I almost had to use one of my Carmelized Steak with Papaya Giblets Poptarts.”

So they kept walking until they reached the town. The town guard approached them soon after. “Greetings, travelers, and welcome to Sandsburg, the town which is much wealthier and more attractive than Sandtopia.”

“How do you survive out here alone in the desert?” inquired Orange.

“We’re the one source of genuine sand to all the deserts on the mainland,” replied the town guard. “We make a fortune. And every time we’re about to run out of sand out here, the skysnakes attack and then our sand levels seem replenished. Hmm, the skysnakes, the sand…is there a connection? I wonder…”

The heroes continued on to meet the town council. From behind, they heard a screaming as two skysnakes dragged off the town guard and ate him. Another screaming appeared as a woman came running out of her house over to the town guard’s body. “The skysnakes, his death – IS THERE A CONNECTION?” she howled. Then she had a mega heart attack and died.

The council house was the largest building in town; it stood in the center of town with clusters of shops and houses lining the main street in front of it. They entered, and there was a guard.
“What are you doing here? Sandsburg council members only.”

This seemed like an impossible dilemma. Fortunately, Orange had an idea.
“Say, isn’t it funny that whenever the skysnakes attack, you seem to get more sand here in Sandsburg?”

“MY GOD! You’re right! The skysnakes, the sand…is there a CONNECTION?” There was a two second pause, then an assassin ran by, stabbing the guard in the heart as he left.

They continued on into the council chambers, and the people they saw there could only be described by one word…ILLUMINATI.

Though if you had to describe them as another word, the word "Dead" also seemed applicable since they were dead. the council who were sitting behind individual desks in the wooden building were nothing but bones now. many official looking papers were stacked on their desks which was juxtaposed by a much smaller pile of signed papers.

"It would seem they all worked themselves to death." Orange concluded. or it was also possible that they all died of starvation because only council members were allowed to enter and they, the council members, were not allowed to leave.

"But how could they have been the ones pulling the strings if they were dead" Afro thought as he kicked over a dead Illuminati councilman, although it could have been a councilwoman because in this town there was a bill passed which stated their must be a 1:1 man women ratio. this ended tragically because once they were in equilibrium they had to banish every baby to the Cliffs of Dover's school of Eric son where they learned to become successful and happy. it was actually a far nicer life then living in the Illuminati town some citizens concluded, but they all died in tragic and completely unforeseen ways when they came to this conclusion.

"So what will do you do now then?" Ghosty asked Afro "its like your whole quest was completely worthless and it didn't matter because the final boss was already dead."

"I guess your whole quest would be ruined then" Said a mysterious but familiar voice. "There was one more council member, the strongest and the most powerful one" The voice continued to say from its unknown point of origin. "This Council Member was so smart in fact he signed a bill that made him be the only one able to leave the council hall." The voice was clearly right outside the door which the "Heroes" had entered. "That man was Dave Grohl." Dave Grohl said as he kicked open the door. he now was dressed in a metal way and he had all the chains and bling a dead man could own.

"How Dave? You died, We Watched you die!!!" Orange asked

"We actually saw you die twice i believe" Ghosty added.

"Well its about time you learned my master plan, the purpose of the illuminati and the reason behind everything up to this point who i am and how i am alive (again)...." Grohl stated. "And then, after i tell you my story i will kill you so i can rule the universe."

Dave Grohl twizzled his metal beard at the team of heros as he said “You can never win, and even if you do, I’ll be back in a few months with a new wacky personality completely different than the previous one!”

“I should have predicted you would be evil when we found you in that mountain pass and you were a demi-god, luckily you aren’t anymore, so killing you should be like eating cake from a baby!” Afro spouted from his mouth, which is what he used to talk most of the time.

“I have no stake in this fight, but I don’t want to be left out” Ghosty Ghost said in an ironically lonely fashion.

“Now we must fight!” Grohl grohwled as he charged at the team of heros, which included Ghosty Ghost, Orange, Afro, and some side characters that had probably been forgotten about for years, but they didn’t say anything or fight, so it didn’t matter. Grohl used his anthropomorphic shapeshifting powers to attack them with various concepts and genres. One minute he was a metal monster, with claws the size of a monster, and the next moment he was a pop star shooting medieval rockets from his medieval spaceship. The team didn’t stand a chance, since every time they came up with a plan, which was usually to smash him/throw things at him, he changed into something that couldn’t be smashed/thrown at. Ghosty Ghost would have used one of his ghost powers that instantly kills people, but he forgot he had those powers, he could also fly.

“Hahahaha, you don’t stand a chance, I was changing bands before you 12 were even born! How can you hope to defeat my success in various industries!”

“With friendship!” Ghosty Ghost said, but he didn’t mean it, so everyone wondered why he said it.

“With the power of…oh snap, I forgot to use that Yu-Gi-Oh pack I bought earlier! I hope I get a super secret ultra mega rare!” Orange gleefully opened up a pack of Yu-Gi-Oh cards and fanned through the pack with aforementioned glee. “Whippidydooda, I got a un-shapeshifterate card, which can only be used against people named Dave Grohl, and only if they are shapeshifting, and requires me to cut off my left ear! What a great card I will add to my deck whenever that situation arises…OH WAIT!”

“Oh no, you got the unshapeshifterate card, which will stop me from shapeshifting and turn me back to my original form!” Dave Grohl explained out loud.

“That is right, when I use this card, you will be turned back into your original form!”

“But if you do that, I will no longer be in this form, since you played the shapeshifterate card, which does that, THAT’S IMPOSSIBLE!” Dave Grohl said what was totally possible.
“Ushapeshifterate………OBLITERATE…his shapeshifting ability!” Orange said as he threw down the card in a dramatic fashion.
“NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO” Dave Grohl moaned as he slowly turned back into a passable and ultimately unnotable drummer from some garage band going nowhere. “NOOO, I have built so much, created so many empires, and now I am back to where I started, some mfediocre drummer in the shadow of some drug addict with women problems!”

“That is the correct interpretation.” Ghosty Ghost said to keep the illusion that he actually helped in these battles.

“Now that we’ve defeated you, tell us why you’ve been constantly coming back to life and trying to kill us/transporting us places/generally being Dave Grohl!” Afro demanded.

It seemed a reasonable question, but Dave Grohl decided not to answer, preferring instead to die. Or maybe that was because there was a giant spear sticking through his chest, placed there by Ghosty Ghost’s super secret nemesis, Mega Phantom. Mega Phantom then died of spectral plot cancer, leaving the heroes alone in the empty room. Slowly, the skeletons of the Illuminati members collapsed to the ground, and their bones flew around the dusty floor, eventually forming into a bone-sentence:

ALL ACCORDING TO PLANS

“That sounds really familiar,” thought Afro out loud. “Where have I heard it before? I think it might have been Bartlebee Sax-“

“NO YOU IDIOT IT WAS ME!” burst in Aizen, who had been hiding on the ceiling the whole time using his magical gecko powers. Then he forgot to use his magical gecko powers, fell to the ground, and broke his left toe. This was all according to plans.

“Aizen!” exclaimed Afro.
“Who?” asked Orange and Ghosty Ghost.
“He appeared in my nightmares right before a mysterious attack destroyed my school and ruined my one chance at true love,” Afro explaborated, “so he must hence have caused both of those and must thusly be destroyed!”

“Everything is according to plan…” schemed Aizen. “It has been a plot of sheer genius spanning years and thousands of components, grohls, and minions. Your every movement has brought you here, in the perfect fashion for my master plan to unfold!”

“All right, I’ll bite, since you went to all the trouble of ruining my life. What IS your master plan?” asked Afro patiently but murderously.

“Many years ago, there was a woman I loved. But she never accepted me, and then one day she was tragically killed by a rogue hurricane. I was heartbroken and traumatized, so I went to seek the great oracle Craig at Oracle Mountain to see if there was any way I could bring her back. The oddly specific prophecy said that I would need to gather a poptart-eating fool, a sarcastic ghost, and a guitar-playing barbarian to this very spot, so I searched and machinated for years until fate happened upon you. Now, I shall raise my love from the grave’s temporary hold!!”

He gestured dramatically and the bones began to form back together into an intact skeleton, which slowly regained flesh, muscle, and skin until finally a fully formed woman stood before them. It was…Anna!!!

“But she was just alive!” exclaimed Afro. “And she wasn’t killed by a rogue hurricane! Your entire story makes no sense!”

“Does it REALLY make no sense?” asked Aizen in a dramatic mysterious voice.
“YES!” they said in unison.

“Well, regardless, I have what I wanted sooooo…I guess you’re all free to go. I hope you enjoyed fighting all that council, traversing the entire world, etc. If it makes you feel any better about doing all that work for no reward, remember this – you left a positive impact on the world. Wait a minute, no, you killed hundreds of innocent people and destroyed at least 3 midsized metropolises. I take that back, you left a horrible impact, but either way, I have my girl back, so I think we’re done here.”

“We’re not even close to done!” declared Afro in a cliche showdown voice, as Orange munched on the last of his Chocolate Boysenberry Surprise poptarts and Ghosty Ghost hovered apathetically. “It’s time…for WAR!”

Aizen then cast: Summon Priest level 9. “Anna you may have never loved me, but, I have always cared for you. I watched you every night and I had self esteem issues. but all that matters now is that you are under my mind control and I will take your hand in marriage so my plan will be completed!” Aizen Bellowed.

Anna (also) had self esteem issues. “I am about to marry you” Aizen said, luckily I found a priest over there in the corner quivering. “And we can finally go on that honeymoon you always wanted in the dark volcano region of Hellfire Hell”. Aizen, the expert wedding planner with casual fire skill had the entire battle to his advantage, not only was Anna hypnotized, but no one could do anything to stop them, ever, there was not possibly a way to break the spell on Anna, because Aizen had casual hypnotism skills. He had planned for this so well in fact that there was not a single contingency that could possibly make the situation desperate except for people like Afro.

Afro had a desperate final plan. He took out his guitar and begun to play the most metal song he could think of. It was nameless, because putting its name into words would create a phrase that if spoken, would destroy the sun and turn every planet into a black hole of hellfire hell. Orange stuck his drumsticks a brain-damaging length into his ears to try to blot out the extreme metallity, and even Aizen winced slightly in pain as the final chord ran out and the priest spontaneously combusted. Luckily, when Afro opened his eyes, it had worked: Anna was free from Aizen’s mind control, which Afro could tell because she had picked up a skeleton and was bludgeoning him with it along with mocking his self esteem issues. Then Orange jaywalked.