Chapter 6

Chapter Six: Gold Mine City + Bank Vault Segment

So there the "Noble Heros" were again, again, again; traveling on the open dusty road. This dusty road in particular used to be South Escortopia, but sadly met the fate that most escort-quest based towns do when the "Noble Heros" have to go directly through it else they would have to detour through THE PLANET CORE! (but that area is for a later plot device) So in front was the ever agitated Afro who had not killed anything with life in it since a tree twenty miles back. Orange held up the middle who now had a crown of drumsticks which he managed to loot earlier. Briefcase Man flanked him and had now mastered running with one leg since having one flaming leg and one non flaming leg side by side is sometimes dangerous. Chair lead the rear with Ghosty hovering around her as non threateningly as possible.

"So... when you said a few miles to the South West, Chair." Afro said calmly, "Did you happen to forget WE WERE ON THE ENTIRE GOD DAMN OPPOSITE SIDE?!?!?!"

She cringed and hid behind Ghosty's etherial body for pseudo-cover from the psychotic titanic figure.

"Look, don't be mean Afro," Orange butted in, "She did lead us through South Escortopia so we could destroy it.

"Augh, i just need to kill something. How about this; Ghosty you resurrect yourself, and then i kill you... again."

"How about i stay right were i am and torment you for all my eternity? ya, sounds good to me too. Hey Afro? Ever thought of getting a imaginary buddy like that Samurai?" Responded Ghosty.

"Huh? what are you talking about? Well, that doesnt matter theres a bridge up ahead. And like i say where theres bridges... Theres bandits," Afro thought.

"I dont remember you saying that ever in this series..."

"What series?"

Just like Afro thought; bandits.

as they came walking on the newly cobble stoned trail, the deep forest around them was both haunting and inviting. in front of the party they saw a bridge made from stone. A bridge which you couldn't see what lurked under it. As they approached the it they knew something was not right. And then some bandits came out from under the bridge! They were weak and starved their ribs showed from the exposed parts of their armor. They looked unshaved unclean and uncivilized.

The coughed and then spoke up,

"Pleas sir i just a good riff to earn money, for my child's operation. im sadly not going to make it because i have prostate cancer and aids and magic cyborg aids. My friends and I just wanted to do one last deed of good in the world before we all die of said shared symptoms!" he said.

Afro was not expecting this. He turned around and the group huddled up and began discussing what to do in this strange situation.

"i say we just kill them, there going to die anyways..." Afro suggested.

"How about we just give them something mediocre so they can get bye in... oh wait we destroyed most of the untalented towns didn't we? Could they make it in Harmonix? We didn't destroy that entirely" Orange pointed out.

"You need to be successful before you can sell out," Said Chair.

"How about we just kill them... oh wait that was already suggested," Ghosty interjected. "What if we just pay them off"

Afro stuck his head out of the huddle.

"How much is the surgery?" Afro called out.

"A lot, we were just hoping you could help us." said the bandits grimly in unison.

Afro stuck his head back into the huddle.

"well that seems to be out of the question," Afro sighed. "Killing them it is..."

"WAIT! Instead, what if we take them to Gold Mine City with us?" Orange interrupted.

"sure that sounds fine." Chair commented.

And it was so, they were now taking the bandits with them.

But little did the adventurers know that they were in much more mortal danger then they realized.

"All according to plans..." Said the overlord bandit Aizen, who had heard the entire story from under the bridge.

Luckily for the heroes Heart-Attack Man appeared and shouted "STOP, THER IS A PERSON UNDER THE BR-AAARGHHHH" Then he had a heart attack and died, and in that very same moment a child was born to take up the short living mantle of Heart Attack Man.

...So the character's continued on unaware of plans being planned by the planning man of the bridge, which was in fact Double Secret Sigma Code 3 of Ghosty's plan (see chapter 5), but it was so secret of a plan even he didn't know it yet.

So the character's continued walking...and walking...and walking. Eventually they decided to do some sleeping after one of the bandits died of exhaustion. After days of this repeated schedule, and many more dead bandits on the side of the road, the team arrived at a small outpost called "You're almost in Gold Mine City!". The guards there were extremely poor however, wearing only cloth clothing and special hats with FNICWG on them.

"Halt" they said in an exasperated tone "go no further, stop immediately, no longer continue your horizontal assault upon the land in front of you!" Having run out of ways to tell them to stop he decided to actually do his job and get in front of them.

"Sorry, but we have to get through, and since I am technically a ninja/rogue, I already stole your keys, so you might as well just open the gate so we can go through." Said Chair.

"Shut up Chair" Said Ghosty Ghost.

"Anyways...yeah, you guys better move or we will kill you in a creative fashion!" oranged Orange.

"Don't worry guys, I got THIS one" Said Briefcase man who summoned a tornado of fire from his sword leg that immolated the whole guard platoon except for the one standing in front of them. "DAMNIT!"

"Ha ha, you forgot I am immune to fire based attacks since I am a guard Captain! Now stop, you've violated the law, pay a fine or serve your sentence, your stolen goods are now forfeit!"

Suddenly the whole team was transported into a prison inside Gold Mine City, except for Breifcase Man's sword, forcing him to replace it with a pillow...that was on fire.

"OH what cruel irony, we are at our destination, but unable to travel there! A fate most unfortunate!" Poeticized Orange who realized he was still posessed by a folk singer. "DAMNIT I FORGOT ABOUT THAT PLOT POINT!"

The party had broken out of enough jails that they knew the routine. One bandit was still alive, because his insomnia made him immune to dying of lack of sleep, and he also brought his expertise. They spent hours huddled around a detailed blueprint of the prison that Chair had somehow acquired, sketching escape routes, guard patterns, and who Afro should mangle first. Then they turned around and noticed that one of the walls of their cell was a giant pane of stained glass (peanut butter), and that they were on the ground floor of the building.

...After making their escape, the heroes found themselves in the middle of a giant city, next to an elementary school, a bank, and a medieval liquor store with a sign saying "we carry over 5000 goldminian dollars in change".

"now THAT was good zoning for a prison," commented Ghosty bureausarcrastically.

"Ok, guys. Where should we go first?" asked Orange.

"I suggest the elementary school. That way I can brainwash the children into the order of METAL!" bellowed Afro. "My gold is to steel their knowledge and forge them to worship metal."

"...what was that?" asked Ghosty.

"Sorry...I think Orange's pun virus is spreading."

"I guess you could say it's an epigram-demic," cut in Orange. He was then pun-ched as pun-ishment, and the party began their one block journey to the elementary school. Briefcase Man barely made the arduous trek, with his new pillow leg serving as a much less effective support than his sword had been, though much less problematic when passing through the medieval metal detector at the entrance to the school.

When they arrived, Chair had vanished mysteriously, and they found a mob of youth playing medieval baseball. Or were they.....

Twenty seven and a half miles away, Aizen watched the heroes approach the sunny field through his SCRY-brand medieval video camera. "All according to plans..."

Five and a half miles away, the mayor of Gold Mine City, Walter Obsklitzerg, routinely signed event approval for a charity concert in Gold Mine Hall two days later, not noticing that the bands playing were Nickelback and Papa Roach, DEFINITELY not noticing that the 'charity being fundraised for' column was filled out with "world dominance", and having no idea what terrible events he had just set in motion...

unfortunately for the heros they were kicked off the school grounds because before they had even done anything the local parents complained to the school banning Metal, Ghosts, people with the letter "O" in there name, or people with flaming limbs in the school between 4am and 5pm. and since Chair wasn't to be found the heros just left in defeat.

The heros upon realizing that they were in a large city that hasn't been destroyed or is looking like its about to be destroyed decided to take a day off and just relax, find where Chair went visit "Wine-O's Gal-co-holic Liquor Store" to make a withdrawal.

So it was off to Wine-O's. On the way they met up with Chair who was just walking through the town shopping. she like any sensible person had already purchased everything she could afford and by "she" i mean the "group" (and i mean "I" as in the Mysterious Narrator)

"WHO THE HELL IS THAT!" Yelled Afro. pointing at the Mysterious Narrator above them.

HOLY CRAP THEY NOTICED ME, said the Narrator who exploded into a billion pieces.

"Well that sucks, how the hell do we know what to do now?"

"Wait... who said that"

"Huh, who said that? oh great because you murdered the Narrator now we cant converse without saying who we are..."

"WHAT THE HELL ITS NOT MY FAULT I.... whatever..."

"No, U" Said Ghosty presumptuously.

"Hey its back!" Chair noticed.

"Who cares, were here" Orange said.

Wine-O's Gal-co-holic Liquor Store was a black shop with a neon sign of a promiscuous woman drinking some wine. and somehow because of its decor it didn't fit with the surroundings, which was a blown out jail cell, a happy bright school and a garden that wasn't mentioned earlier.

the adventures sort of just stared at the store while a mini dramatic thunderstorm brewed above it.

"Where did that storm come from..." Orange asked.

"Who cares we've done enough questioning today" Briefcase Man said "Well last one in is getting murdered..."

Twenty seven and a half miles away, Aizen watched the heroes approach Wine-O's Gal-co-holic Liquor Store. "All according to plans..."

Pillows on fire and rain do not mix, and in short order Breifcase Man's flaming pillow became a very damp, non-flaming pillow. Depressed with his now lame (HAHAHAHA GET IT!?!?!?!??!) leg, Breifcase Man decided to fulfill his dream of driving a tank, which he had had every night since he lost his tank privileges. Realizing the group would never allow him to have a tank ever again, he too started planning for how he could destroy the heroes, and at the same time get his tank back. This planning to get a tank back was sadly all part of Ghosty Ghost's plan for killing Chair, which in turn was all part of Aizen's plan...

Not realizing any of the serious events happening around him, Afro continued to walk down the path towards...something, since he had forgotten what the hell they were doing in this city, as the whole theme of gold had little to do with the reality of the place. It was in fact quite poor, with the guards looking similar to those at the outpost, and every house being made of used up needles, as the town was also populated entirely by meth addicts. The one place with wealth beyond a spool of yarn was the bank.

The bank was in fact so wealthy, the average income of the town was in fact the highest in the whole world. The one banker who lived in town actually made 18 trillion per minute, compared to the 5 spools of yarn made per year by everyone in the town. Afro, hating income disparity between himself and others, decided to rob the bank, which was not hard to find as it was 1000 stories high, and 300 acres large.

Even so, the group got lost, and took a week to find the bank. The hard part being over, they had to devise a way to rob the bank while causing as much destruction and chaos to the global economy and surrounding meth addicts as possible. This would require the aid of the one man capable of performing any task ever in a mediocre fashion...Dave Grohl. Ghosty Ghost, using his ghostly powers, summoned the ghost of Dave Grohl and forced it into posessing the body of a meth addict.

"Yo, what up GUYS!!?!? Do you need me for something? After killing me about 12 times in the last month, usually I wouldn't help someone, but hey, I pretty much take any job that is offered to me. And I was already a meth addict in Nirvana, so this one should be eeeeaaaaasssssyyyy!"

"ummmmmmm, yeaaaaaah..." The whole group said in an awkward tone.

"Just as planned..." Aizen said disguised as a lamp post on the corner of the street.

The plan was simple. First, they would start a company offering security guard services to banks. Then, Dave Grohl and Briefcase Man would lead a series of diversionary attacks on the bank, causing as much damage as possible to encourage them to hire the TNBRSC, or "Totally not bank robbers security company" for long. Once in place, the Grohlcase squad would move in again, but this time, the attack would be a cover for Orange to infiltrate the vaults and liberate the money. Afterwards, to screw the bank, Afro would claim that he was injured by Dave Grohl and collect 50 billion dollars a month in workman's comp. The genius of it was that-

"CAN I ATTACK THE BANK IN A TANK??" queried Briefcase Man.
"First off, don't interrupt narrative exposition. Second off..." Afro took a moment to gather all the air in the room into his lungs, "NO!!!!!"
Briefcase Man had already passed out from lack of oxygen, but he got the message. That night, while Orange, Afro, and Ghosty Ghost were busy setting up the TNBRSC signs across the street from the bank and converting a used hot dog stand they found into the company headquarters, Briefcase Man was plotting.

"I've lost my only two loves, my vulture and my siege tank...They must pay for this. I know...when I'm supposed to be pretending to attack the bank, I'll actually invade it, and steal all the money before they can get a single cent. With that money, I can buy a tank. No, a MEGATANK. They will be crushed like grapes in a hailstorm of pain." Chair overheard this internal analog monologue, but said nothing; she herself was annoyed that her position at TNBRSC was "unpaid intern".

The next morning, the sun rose early and Briefcase Man rose with it. He stole a lockpick out of Orange's bag and a sledgehammer out of Afro's, woke Dave Grohl from his delirious coma, and began his rebellious bank raid.

A flock of birds began its southern migration overhead, and they spelled out "JUST AS PLANNED" in the sky.

David Grohl and Briefcase Man stood outside the bank. they were now wearing ski masks and wool coats just in case there was a random temperature drop. this was because if a temperature drop was to occur the agressors would now have the advantage over the building. (sadly the building had indoor heating)

"Ok what now" Briefcase Man asked.

"Hmm, i've got it!" David Grohl yelled as a exclamation point came out over his head that was made of lightbulbs that turned on.

He ran at the Bank that was actually made of glass, duckt tape and hope and kicked it. The building shrieked in agony as it fell to pieces.

The very unhappy manager who was now very, very unhappy came out covered in glass based shrapnel cursing.

"WHAT THE HELL DO YOU EVEN KNOW HOW HARD IT IS TO BUILD A COMPLETELY GLASS BANK, I HATE YOU HOOLIGANS GWARGHHEHGHEH!!!!!!!!" Yelled Mr. Manager-Guy

"HAHA! To bad you dont have any guards Mr. Infuriated bank manager guy!" David Grohl yelled.

"If you did we couldn't do things like this either!" Yelled Briefcase Man who pulled a sledgehammer out of his briefcase and smashe it through the managers skull.

"Wait now that he's dead he cant order those dreaded TNBRSC also known as 'Tottally Not Bank Robbers Security Company' mercenary guys, they always win and we can never beat them!" acted Dave Grohl (who was now working on his acting carrer) "OOPS! i dropped their card i had with me but i dropped it so i cant pick it up because i have a bad back! We better retreat before the cops come. Lets go Briefcase Man!"

Before Briefcase Man could protest and attempt to rob the bank, he was being dragged away by Grohl.

"YOU FOOLS!" Yelled a random clerk, who ran and picked up the card Grohl dropped. "Im going to call this convenient number to this convenient company which i know will save us, but even if it doesn't we have five layers of defense under the ground that you'll never get though and a final boss that is undefeated that only our employees know his weakness!"

"OH NO!" yelled Grohl "WE CANT WIN BUT WE CAN STILL ESCAPE NOW WHILE HE HASNT YET CALLED THAT NUMBER!!!"

"Im calling it now so leave and never come back!" yelled the clerk

"I Bet hes bluffing we should come back here tomorrow Briefcase Man, right?" Briefcase Man who was being held by the collar nodded since he saw no way to break into the base now

As Briefacase Man was being dragged away the store clerk was calling the number and it have him time to think. since the plan had gone so well... he might as well go along with it for the time being, but his plan would still succede and the tank, no MEGATANK would be his. then, and only then would his vulture and last tank would be avenged!!!!

for some reason Briefcase Man couldn't stop thinking about the phrase "just as planned" as if someone was controlling him... he ignored it and continued to be dragged peacefully, except for when he went over the occasional rock on the ground.

Phase one had been enormously succesful, not only had the bank hired TNBRSC, but Grohlcase Man squad survived for the second assault. Everything was going acording to Afro's plan, which was not to be confused with Breifcase man's plan, which went against said plan, but was already worked into Ghosty Ghost's plan, which was in turn worked into Aizen's plan. In the end, something was going to go as planned.

The next day, Afro began his job as a security guard, which was a nice change of pace from killing security guards for a living. Afro's security web of officers involved placing every officer in the main lobby with sticks and hitting customers who got too close to the doors, walls, teller or floor. Overall, the plan was actually quite effective, not a single person took money from the bank, as per his contract.

Sadly (to the bank that is...) his strategy did not cover the roof, 178 alternate entrances or outside of the bank. So in the afternoon, right when Afro had assaulted his 100th customer, Grohlcase Man squad struck the rooftop entrance of the bank, by way of bomb gliders. They were called bomb gliders because Orange strapped bombs to them, making them roughly 8000% less safe. Having destroyed the entire roof of the bank, all security personel were directed to run up the 1000 flights of stairs. This gave Orange, Afro, Ghosty Ghost and Chair enough of a distraction to gain access to the first super secret secure floor of the bank, labelled "HELL UNDERGROUND MOUNTAIN". This floor was not part of anyone's plans, as no one could figure out how a mountain could be underground.

But each person on the first secret underground floor knew one thing, everything was going according to plans...

After 3 hours inside Hell Underground Mountain, the party was mystified. It was just a long staircase with intermittent alcoves filled with medieval vending machines. It wasn't underground, it didn't appear to be a mountain, and the only hell-like part was the fact that all of the vending machines were sold out of poptarts. But they were used to misleading titles after buying coconuts and finding out that they were actually nutshells filled with cobras, so they continued on. When they saw how much further they had to climb up ahead, all the adventurers could do was stair.

The sky grew dark, but they didn't notice since they were inside, and they kept walking up the endless staircase for what felt like days, stopping only when Afro grew bored with walking and took wall-punching, vending machine-punching, and Orange-punching breaks. Finally, the elevation leveled off and the ground gradually changed from medieval cement to ancient, muddy sand. They could see hundreds of slightly luminescent footprints (and a few talon prints) permanently imprinted in the sand from all the bank directors in the past who ever went through the cave to withdraw the money they needed for a new gargoyle out front or a spiffy fresh bowler hat.

They had journeyed for another few mind-days when they heard a distant rumbling. A few seconds later, 3 pimped-out ox carts came thundering out from behind and surrounded the party. "Cease and halt!" bellowed the giant lizard who was driving the lead cart.

"Are you bank guards?" asked Orange. "Because we're authorized to be here by-"
"No, we are lawyers - on behalf of the original TNBRSC - Trusty, Nutritious Bread Rations Serve Children. You have patently violated their patent and you are being subpoenaed."
Afro reached for his trusty sledgehammer, but found it missing. "GODDAMNIT!"
"You will be present at 9:30 tomorrow morning at the Gold Mine City Civil Court. Do you have any remarkation on this?"
"Just one thing...I always carry a spare." Afro pulled out an even bigger sledgehammer with razor edges and threw it, vivisecting all 3 lawyers, their oxes, and the cave walls for about 3 miles back.

"Now THAT'S tort reform."

A few hours later, the party could sense that the next level was near, but they had been traveling for 130 hours straight. Just as they were lying down to rest, a hole burst through the ceiling and a giant hummingbird appeared, with 6 monstrous, long, sharp beaks and blinding rainbow plumage. It was then that they realized that "Hell Underground Mountain" was actually a reverse acronym and realized the horror they were about to face...

Although the real horror that the heros would face would not be Hum, the housebroken giant killer rainbow hummingbird who could only use the attack "be cute." The real threat was the elevator that was behind Hum that took them to level 2 of the mega bank.

The brief trip in the elevator was only about one minute in length but nothing was more horrendous then fitting Afro, Orange, Grohl, and Briefcase Man in one small elevator while the etherial Ghosty complained that he didn't have enough room.

Meanwhile on the surface:

Chair fulfilled her purpose as a extra and did nothing. at the same time the Bank workers began to wonder where their guard unit they hired went...

Back at the PLANET CORE:

...

Meanwhile in the elevator:

"Ok, now that were all in here... do we go up or down?" Orange asked.

"Down DUH! it goes by levels, and in dungeons levels go down!" Afro said

"Umm guys, the levels go higher as it goes up, were currently on floor one hundred and twenty four. We completely missed where we were supposed to go," David Grohl said.

"HaHa! that was all part of my plan actually," Boasted Afro. "Now strait to level six!"

Grohl was confused, "Why level six?" he asked.

"We cant go to level five because thats where all the gold is, it would look suspicious... duh..." Afro pointed out.

Briefcase Man finally saw a opportunity.

"How about you guys go to level six and i'll go to level five to scout ahead..." Briefcase Man said suspiciously.

"No thats ok-" Orange said

"BRILLIANT," Afro cut Orange off. "If we split up they will think were looking for someone therefor we couldn't be robbing a bank!"

"Good thinking. splitting up has never backfired before *cough* Chapter five *cough*" Ghosty said.

"Huh what are you talking about Ghosty..." Afro responded.

"By the way we've been at floor six for about three minutes, you guys ready to get out..." Ghosty noted.

Without saying anything Grohl hit the "door open" button and they all walked out except Briefcase Man who stayed behind to go "scout" floor five.

As the door shut he began doing what all villans do, yell their plans to no one in particular as he pressed the button to floor five.

"Ok so were directly under the vault. what do we do now?" Orange asked.

"HaHa! good one Orange, as if you dont already know. what else would we do when were DIRECTLY under the safe" Afro laughed

"you've gotta be joking Afro..." Orange said grimacing at the thought of exactly what was about to happen.

Afro took out Kenkon, the Axe-Naginata of Egypt and did what any sensible robber would do; make their own way into the vault.

Sadly after a dozen or so swings, Afro realized that the roof would not break, as it had been sprayed with invincibleownium...making it invincible.

This plan failing, and the Hummingbird remaining harmless as Ninja Goat, the group got back onto the delevator, as it seemed to only go down. After a furious 560 games of Rock Paper Scissors, Orange won the right to decide what floor to go to next. He chose floor seven, which the delevator affectionately named "The House of Mortal Sin and TERROR".

It was in fact an empty room with a kitten in the middle playing with a bucket and oven mit. The group cautiosly approached the kitten, as they had been fooled by seemingly random items in an empty room before.

As they came within 10 yards of said kitten, an alarm started to ring behind them, and it was a quite annoying alarm at that. This was secretly all part of the kitten's plans to make them turn around. In the 3 seconds that they investigated the alarm, the kitten fused with the bucket at oven mit to become a 50 foot mecha cat, the oven mit turning into a lazer sword while the bucket turned into a samurai battle helm.

Turning around, the David Grohl and Ghosty Ghost shouted "This is impossible! That doesn't even follow the laws of physics set forth in our dual essay on the fusion of matter regarding animal themed mechs!". Ghosty being quite proud of this essay he may or may not have written, he vowed that the kitten had to die.

Just then a giant golden tank fell through the roof followed by a golden vulture that was somehow flying. Popping out of the tank, Briefcase man stated "You shall all now feel my wrath for depriving me of my tank, and I shall deal such justice in my new gold smelted tank that has a golden engine that also runs on gold!"

"Oh no, a dual mini-boss fight! We didn't even get a checkpoint!" The whole team said in unison.

"Just as planned" Aizen said to himself as he patted himself on the back for totally not lying about predicting this.

"This is what you get for metalling in my affairs!" yelled Briefcase Man as he fired a volley of gold bullets from his shiny new tank. They crashed into the walls behind the party, shattering them and sending a cascade of rubble down around them.

"Those boulders are bad! They're blocking our way out, so we can't run away!" yelled Orange, whose soul was trapped in the dreaded Pointless Commentary Realm by an evil hex known only as the Tristan Curse.

"Nu există nici o scăpare!" yelled the mecha cat, who had accidentally been programmed to speak only Romanian. He fired a series of heatseeker missiles from his lazar sword in Orange's direction, but Briefcase Man's new leg that was both golden and on fire was 1297F, which was slightly warmer than the lukewarm poptarts Orange was munching on. The missile turned around in a perfect circle and homed in on the tank. Briefcase Man shot them out of the air, but the resulting explosion sent hyperpolarized antimechwaves out, shattering the samurai helm of the Turbo Cat and exposing the weak point, which Chair was able to ninja leap over and stab with her ninja skillz sword.

"DRACUUUUU" it yelled as it collapsed, a grotesque mixture of engine oil and warm saucer milk pouring out of its shattered veins.

"That's good! We destroyed an enemy! That means he can't attack us with his missiles any more," elucidated Orange.

"That was only my weakest alloy," mocked Briefcase Man. "With the money I made from emptying the bank vaults, I have constructed a diabolic army of silver and gold whose ranks fill this entire city. They will capture you, torment you, and steel-"

"WAIT A SECOND!" enterrupted Afro. "All the money is gone from the bank vaults? Why are we even here?"

"Because I have trapped you here! I shall consume-"

"Screw dat..." muttered Ghosty Ghost. "I'm using my Luminescent Portal of Escape Stuff, which I picked up in the last room and didn't tell anyone about, to get us out of here."

He threw down a dirt encrusted rock, and it somehow managed to expand into a giant glowing green gate, through which everyone leapt, with Afro guarding the back. Briefcase Man fired off a final cannonade of gold, but Afro's metallocity made him immune, and they vanished through the circle, leaving behind a crazed tankdriver out for vengeance, a deadly golden vulture, and a bank manager who was definitely no longer on the "Gold Mine City Richest Trillionaire" magazine cover.