Chapter 3

Chapter Three: Bartlebee/Naginata of Kenkon

So there we were, again. Lost and confused, and not really caring about either.

"so what now?" Ghosty asked as he rummaged through the nearby charred and burned corpses.

"not really sure." Afro replied, he was in the middle of the same task Ghosty was. "Hey look a note, fifty Bucks and a ring!"

"DIBS ON RING!" Ghosty yelled.

"I GOT CASH!" Afro called.

"i guess i get the note," orange said in a slightly defeated tone probably on the count that he was neither richer or more ring-ly-er...."

Orange bent over the horribly mutilated corpse and took his prize. he opened the semi bloodied parchment and read it outloud, "THE PROG-PEOPLE THEY HAVE THE NAGINATA OF KENKON!! AND THEY ARE IMPALING ME AUGH MURhHhahhHahHnofsdof....."

"WAIT! THE NAGINATA OF KENKON!!!" exclamed Ghosty.

"Huh, what is 'THE NAGINATA OF KENKON!'" Afro asked, completely bewildered.

"The NAGINATA OF KENKON! is a sacred artifact forged from the souls of 222 people. AND ITS PURE EVIL!" Ghosty responded in a scholarly way.

"and the prog people have this weapon." Orange deduced. "the Naginata of Kenkon." he repeated

"well firstly this weapon sound really metal, i think we should take it from these prog-people and return it to its rightful place!"

"where is that?" asked Orange

"in my hands of course" Afro, now suddenly determined began walking to prog city. he knew the way because one of the only things not destroyed other then Samuel Jim Armstrong was a "you are here" sign of the world map which pointed how to get to prog city.

As usual, map reading was not in the heroes skill set. After almost leaving in the wrong direction a few times, only to be teleported back to the map, which started actually shouting the direction to go, the heroes finaly figured out which way to go.

The trek was a long and arguous one, with dragons and the like. Not just regular dragons, but dragons on top of even larger dragons. After that, they had to figure out numerous puzzles to open a giant gate, then find a key to open a door behind the gate. After going through all of this, the team was not happy to say the least. To say the most, they were gonna murder some people. Progtropolis took 17000 metal hours to get to.

It was easy to tell when one entered the border of Progtropolis, since the level of drug-particles in the air increased by seven fold. Time also slowed to a halt, making a simple walk to the bakery take at least 7 minutes, with a number of flute solos in between.

Everyone in town was too busy talking about themselves to notice the heroic heroes enter the main vilalge, and when asking for directions to the NAGINATA OF KENKON!!?!??! all they got as a resposne was:

"Maybe the naginata is a metaphor...for like life, and drug addiction, and wasting away your life slowly until you end up dead and alone, but only after you write an album about a deaf wizard orphan child with 3 arms who can only talk through a harmonica strapped to his foot"

Ghosty Ghost would then kill them because he hated run on sentences. After the third murder, the local Prog-Police took notice and approached the squad.

"What is this there then...then?"

"Well, we are trying to find the NAGINATA OF KENKON!, and no one would answer our questions, so we killed them" Casually responded Afro.

'Well, murder is one thing" replied the proglice "but what did the murder MEAN to you"

"Well, we hate people asking us questions/not answering ours, so we murder them, coincidentally, DIE!!!" Afro proceeded to decapitate the proglice officer. "yeah, no one asks us annoying questions and gets to live...plus I gained back some metal points, even though I'm still in debt..."

Just then, a very prog shadow approached and sent a artistry bomb at the group. "Suspense gasp, oh no it can't be you!" The team somehow said in unison. Then they exploded.

When the trio awoke, they were in a cage on a rooftop. "WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED?" asked Afro.

"Well, that artistry bomb exploded, and now we're here, soooo...I guess it must have had some sort of sleeping gas in it," Orange explained.

"But who would want to capture us?" pondered Afro pensiviciously (simultaneously thinking deep thoughts and brutal thoughts)

"Maybe the families of the three citizens we murdered? Or the police officer?" pointed out Ghosty Ghost.

"GOOD GUESS, but YOU'RE DEAD WRONG!! IF YOU CATCH MY DRIFT!!!" burst in a sinister voice from the shadows, which then started laughing maniacally at a joke no one else got.

"WHO ARE YOU?" demanded Orange.

"You should know by now...shouldn't you?" asked the voice tauntingly.

"No, we actually have no idea," replied Afro. "Could you just tell us? This cage is getting kind of boring, and being locked up is not very metal..."

"Let's just say...YOU'RE ALL GOING TO DIE! IF YOU CATCH MY DRIFT!! HAHAHAHAHA!!!" laughed the voice again.

"Seriously, if 'if you catch my drift' is supposed to be your catchphrase, that's just really weak. Come over here into the cage, and Ghosty Ghost's catchphrase clinic can help, for a low fee of 12 shillings a minute, plus triple recessive interest!" Ghosty Ghost attempted to lure the mystery assailant to his eternal death and eternal debt, but he just laughed it off.

"MUHAHAHA! I AM FAR TOO BRILLIANT TO FALL FOR SUCH A SIMPLE RUSE!! IF YOU CATCH MY DRIFT!!! But I am done talking to you. Frank, push their cage over the edge of the rooftop, sending them falling to their demises! I hope my plan doesn't get you down - IF YOU CATCH MY DRIFT!!!!"

The tedious tyrant continued to lurk in the shadows, while a towering man in oppressively bright red clothes walked towards the cage. At that point, Afro realized that he still had one weapon left on him. ONE WEAPON THAT WOULD CHANGE IT ALL.

Afro reached deep into his clothing fishing for something he thought he would never have to use. his one Ace in the hole, his win condition against Buffet. The most powerful Metal artifact other then Dave Mustaine's guitar and other semi-important artifacts. it was something so ancient its name had almost been long forgotten, but hadn't. no one really knew that Afro was the wielder of this sacred and unholy item. but if they did they might think twice before charging afro head on in vain like they always do. the item was long and bladed, in fact it had two blades (because one is never enough). It was....

"THE ACIENT EGYPTIAN NAGINATA OF KENKON!!!" Afro yelled.

"the what?.... that doesn't catch my drift..." said the mysterious catch-my-drift man.

"ok let me rephrase this... THE ALL POWERFUL AND ALL KNOWING SACRED NAGINATA OF KENKON!!" Afro yelled again.

"WAIT!" Ghosty interjected, "THE NAGINATA OF KENKON??!?!?!"

Orange was now completely confused.

"the Naginata of what?" he asked in a bewildered tone

Afro sighed and turned around to face Orange.

"alright you see.... its a Naginata... and it's from Kenkon... hence the name: Naginata of Kenkon."

"whats a Naginata in the first place. and didnt you only use axes Afro?" asked Orange

"well you see... TRAP CARD!!! POLYMERIZATION!!!!"

"WAIT WHAT?!??!?!" Ghosty, Orange and Stupid-Face yelled in protest.

but before they could stop him or complain more, Afro pulled out a old bent card from his jacket and threw it on the ground. A sudden explosion of dust and grit clouded Afro from view.

"BY SACRIFICING MY OBSIDIAN AXE AND THE NAGINATA OF KENKON I HAVE RESSURECTED THE MOST POWERFUL OBJECT IN THE UNIVERSE. DAVE MUSTAINE'S DOUBLE-INVERSE GUITAR: KENKON, THE AXE-NAGINATA OF EGYPT!!!!!!!!!!!!

the mist shot away and Afro was in the epicenter holding the most impractical guitar with two necks strapped together for some reason both bases of the guitar were on opposite ends like the Naginata. dave mustaine's picture was on both of them, he was standing up strait frowning but giving a thumbs up.

"NOW TAKE THIS!!!!" Afro droped into a battle stance. focussed completely on his enemy and swung the impractical weapon.

it clunked against the ground with a solum thump.

"huh...?" orange thought out loud. "what?"

"HAHAHAHAHA," Afro laughed maniacally "you've been defeated now."

"I give up, nothing can match the might of that four blade thing" said the Mr. Person very sincerely.

"Wait i don't understand, what happened." said Orange

"And thats why i only use it in emergency situations." Afro remarked to Ghosty.

"i can see why. Jeeze, why didn't you use that during the Behemoth battle."

"i only recently acquired the Polymerization i got it from Dave and Someones crazy card shop; it was a good deal too."

"Well if you don't mind, i'll be off then." said Mr. Person. "considering my resolve has been completely shattered."

"yup ok bye!" Afro said as he waved him off.

Orange, who was still in some state of unbelieving dementia, which is like cave dementia or space dementia. but worse. Gave up on thinking about what could have happened and decided to eat a pop-tart instead.

The trio continued on their way, not knowing that by the end of their journey ONE OF THEM WOULD DIE (again in some cases)!!!! Only fate could decide what would be of their true epic destinies, and only two things were certain, the aformentioned certain death, and that it would involve a time catapult, a rock, a turtle and a wooden cellphone. All would be revealed by the end of this stunning chapter!

As usual, the trio forgot where they were going, and had to refresh their journal in the blood of their foes. Once this ritual was complete, they remembered they were going to the castle of Progtropolis, aptly named Crazy Diamond Fortress. Walking up the narrow path, the trio encounted a set of guards. Then the guards fell down some stairs and died. Relieved they avoided another pointless battle, the heroes entered the castle. Seated in the center of a large courtyard, with lots of shiny gems and such, so distracting that Orange nearly got lost, was the king.

The king didn't look like anormal king, he had really long hair, circular sunglasses, wore an opened sparkly shirt, and had a crown with an arrow on the top. It was Dave Grohl! "GOD DAMNIT DAVE GROHL" the team said in unison.

"Hey, you know what they say, if at first you don't succeed, continue joining bands until you becom ultra rich!" replied Dave Grohl.

"We walked 17000 miles to find the NAGINATA OF KENKON! Only to find we already had it, and after all of that, we can't even find a new character!" Afro said as he scorned reality.

"I guess not..."

"Alright Dave Grohl, we're gonna end your reign of terror over music once and for all this time!" Orange screamed.

"Awww guys, why don't we form a band instead. I can be the bassist, drummer, guitarist and vocalist...oh wait, that would just be every other band in existance..."

"No compromises, you shall die by my hand..." suddenly Afro was interrupted as someone tacked onto his sentence "WHAT ABOUT THAT SUCKA, UGH!"

The shear ownage of that retort sent a deadly blizzard tornado rampaging through the city, luckily only killing suckas. "What, who would call the godlike Dave Grohl a sucka?" Dave Grohl said and thought, liking to hear his name as much as possible.

"It is I, Tom Morello, bwuwowngui" The team looked around, but saw no "Tom Morello" in sight. Suddenly, an amorphous blob of random sounds, electricity and pedals came forth, so unthinkable that children had to avert their eyes to avoid being hypnotized by its loud screeches. "I am here to end the life of...Bartlebee Saxenburg!"

"WHO IS THIS BARTLEBEE SAXENBURG AND WHY ARE YOU DISRUPTING THE COURT OF KING GROHL?"

Out of nowhere, the amorphous blob of light and distortion sprouted an angry head to respond to the question.

"KINGS ARE JUST ANCIENT TYRANTS! YOUR KINGDOM WILL FALL AND SHATTER LIKE A BOURGEOIS HOUSE OF CARDS!"

"THAT DOES IT! DAVE GROHL WILL NOW SHIFT TO - PUNK FORM!!!"

And Dave Grohl shimmeringly transformed into a monstrous, crimson-black lizard, shooting fire and grungy chord blasts everywhere. The Morello-blob stood tall, or at least as tall as an amorphous blob can, and fought back, blaring distortion so loud that the sky itself began to crack and the clouds bled.

"RUN!" yelled Afro. "Their volume is beyond even our ability to endure!"

"WHY DID WE EVEN COME HERE?" screamed Orange. "WE FREED THE HOSTAGES FROM PROGTROPOLIS TWO WEEKS AGO!"

As they argued, the Grohl-strosity began to fade under the prolonged distortion beams of Morello. "ENOUGH!" he bellowed. "DAVE GROHL WILL NOW SHIFT TO - HARD ROCK FORM!"

He metamorphized into a conglomeration of boulders shaped like toms, and started firing off drum rolls and rolling rocks at the Morellooze, which proved ineffective as it simply split itself to dodge them and continued its distortion strikes. Another head sprouted from the Morellooze to deliver another reply:

"YOU CALL THAT DEFIANCE, SUCKA?! I'M GONNA RIP YOU APART LIKE THE FASCIST PIGS HAVE DONE TO MAH CONSTITUTION! C'MON! UHHH!"

The blob levitated and began its most deadly, menacing attack - the solo. It began fairly modestly, with mere waves of feedback crushing everything in sight, but expanded into full on pentatonic devastation; squalling beams of wah smashed into the castle walls, knocking bricks flying; crazy, unheard before notes baffled the mind and left everyone in Morellooze's wake paralyzed and hypnotized; and an overwhelming blast of distortion delivered the final whammy, shattering Dave Grohl into a thousand pieces.

"DAVE...GROHL...CAN NEVER...DIE. SHIFT TO - CORPORATE FORM!" But it was futile, and the legendary Dave Grohl met his demise at long last. Unfortunately, by this point, Morello had become so consumed and addicted by his solo that he couldn't stop playing. The blob flashed faster and faster and the feedback got louder and louder and louder and louder as Morello spun out of control. Finally, heads sprouted out of every orifice in the amorphous blob, and as the deafening noise grew so loud it threatened to detonate the entire castle, they delivered one final message in thunderous stereo:

"FIGHT THE WAR. FUCK THE NORM."

With that, the Morellooze exploded, driven mad by its own genius. The castle shook a few last times and then returned to a fairly normal state, though one without a king and without half its bricks. As the heroes stood there, scalded by Dave-fire and stunned by distortion, a short, ugly elf stepped out from behind the throne.

"Hi guys, I'm Bartlebee Saxenburg. Did I miss anything?"

"worst fight ever" said Afro. He eyed the smoking piles where the Morelloze exploded.

"second, not enough quasars" said Ghosty dully.

"but guys we just witnessed one of the biggest battles of all time!!!" Orange complained.

"GUYS!" boomed the small yet loud Bartlebee "IM IMPORTANT PAY ATTENTION TO ME!"

Afro took his time to think of a response

"no" he responded, quite happy with his retort.

the Saxenburg was confuzzled by the answer

"WHAT DO YOU MEAN NO!?!??!" he asked

"well i dont exactly mean no, i meant more of a 'i dont care about you' answer" Afro responded "you see what more important is claiming what was actually mine."

Afro flung himself down the great hall to the throne, reversed himself standing strait in front of his "audience" (Bartlebee, Orange and Ghosty) and sat down on the throne.

"i hereby declare myself king of all progopolis, and my first decree is to hereby make this city a DEATH METAL. IT WILL BE KNOWN AS DOOMHAMMER!!!!"

"jeeze what a stupid name" said Ghosty

"Wait, what the hell. did he plan this" Orange asked

"yes, all according to plan." Afro Laughed in a very metal way.

"HAHAHAHAHA!!" Laughed Bartlebee "All according to plans!"

"WHAT?" the three heros gasped (some less then others) in a astonished way.

"Yes even before you were born i was planning on making this city into a Death Metal City..." giggled Bartlebee "you see i was once a young lad in my youth who was young, and then one day i had a dream in a dream telling me what i should dream the next day which instructed me do this evil plot to make another evil plot which will prevent Dave Mustaine from existing! but that plan would have sucked so i threw it away and planned a plan so ingenious not even i or my dreams could have thought of it without your help Afro... so wait then never mind it was all your plan actually."

"wow that was the most unnecessary dialog ever." Ghosty said

"completely agree" Orange said rolling his eyes

"Did you just roll your eyes??!?!" Afro asked. "all according to plans"

"Okay...yeah...now we're in a death metal city...and you're the king...sooooooo..." Orange continued to say so for the next few minutes as everyone pondered his Dnoralhone (name of the planet now) shattering statement.

"Well, my plan worked, so I am the king or whatever, and now I decree NO MORE ELLIPSIS EVER!!!" said Afro in a somewhat angry, yet sorrowful manner.

"Ah ha! Just as I planned." Shouted Ghosty Ghost in a ghostful manner. "my plan all along was to accompany you around the world, completing quests and waiting for you to become king of someplace, so you would then run out of metal things to do and be bogged down by paperwork, subsequently killing yourself, as revenge for killing me with that tree...so go kill yourself"

After said extremely long speech with numerous ghastly diagrams to explain to these uneducated people what a proper year long plan with impossible predictions was, Ghosty Ghost was seized by the now Death Metal City guards and thrown in jail for using ... in the previous sentence.

"Oh no, our group is falling apart1 Why can't it be like the old days a few days ago when we were walkin' around, fightin' dragons riding other dragons, using swords we didn't actually have and kicking people into death pits?" woed Orange.

"GRAWR, whah you people complainin' to me about being king. Screw ya'll, I'm gonna go do...paperwork DAMNIT!" Afro said this as he realized Ghosty Ghost was right both about the paperwork, and because he used ... as well. DeatH Metal City guards then arrested him too, as well as Orange because he had a book with unicorns on it within his possesion.

So Afro broke the record for shortest kingship (beating out Halborg the Internal Bleeding), Bartlebee died of hyper cancer (a common affliction among annoying side characters), and everyone found themself in jail.

"Well guys, I guess we're back together on the road, searchin' for stuff and things...yeah, DAMNIT." The whole team somehow said in unison.